I got to thinking about Atticus Finch, Scout’s father in the book, the other day. And I realized that there was much to learn about parenting from Atticus and some of the folks who inhabited that world. And I thought about Scout and Jem, his daughter and son, and how they respected him as a parent and he accepted them as his children. On July 11th I’ll raise a glass and toast Harper Lee. Maybe you can join me. I’ll leave you with four of my favorite quotes from the book and encourage you to get out your copy and read it again. Now that you’re a parent, I bet you’ll see it in a whole new light.

“I wanted you to see what real courage is … It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what.  You rarely win, but sometimes you do.“
— “To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus,” Chapter 11

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view–until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.“
— “To Kill a Mockingbird,” Atticus Finch to daughter Scout, Chapter 3

“When a child asks you something, answer him, for goodness’ sake.  But don’t make a production of it.  Children are children, but they can spot an evasion quicker than adults, and evasion simply muddles ‘em.“
— “To Kill a Mockingbird,” Atticus, Chapter 9

“I think there’s just one kind of folks. Folks.“
— “To Kill a Mockingbird,” Scout, Chapter 23

You’ve never heard of Mommy Truths? Allow me to introduce you. Mommy Truths are when you are with another mother(s) you trust and one of you finally says the thing about motherhood that weighs the heaviest on your heart. The one thing that in the dark of the night makes you believe that Social Services would take your child if they knew how you feel sometimes. It’s not for sissies or for those who refuse to admit that they are imperfect. But Mommy Truths are the the monsters under the bed that disappear once you’ve spoken them out loud.

For example, have you ever thought, “If I have to get up one more time tonight I am going to throw myself or my baby out the window. I haven’t slept in three nights!” Or, how about, “ I do not LIKE you right now!” about your child. And, one of my personal favorite, “Why did I think it would be a good idea to have a baby???”.  These are Mommy Truths. They look ugly on the page and they feel ugly when they’re running around in your mind, but once they’re said to other mothers who get it, you realize that you are ok it’s normal to not be happy with being a mom all the time. (Please note: Mommy Truths are never to be spoken to the child. Or certain family members. They are only for the consumption of other mommies.)

Mothering is an incredible journey. I have often said that it’s the most humbling thing you’ll ever do. Your children will unmask every hidden personality wart you’ve ever had. And it’s embarrassing to admit that you have warts in a world of “perfect”. “Oh, I LOVE being a mom! It’s the greatest thing ever! My baby slept through the night since before birth.” You all know that I personally do love motherhood—so much so that I work in this field as well as being a real, live mom. But anything that matters to you that much is going to also give you fits at times.

So, Mommies, unite! Share your joys and moments of awe and your Mommy Truths, too.

As a childbirth educator I am always trying to think of ways to help expectant families relate to the size of their growing baby. It’s a little challenging sometimes, but someone on the website The Bump has created a chart of comparing the size of your little one to the size of fruits and vegetables!

This is one of those ideas that make me think, “Wish this had been around when I was pregnant.” Have a look and see what you think. If you have suggestions for food that you think is more comparable, let me know!

I have several “how to care for your baby” books from the first 2/3rds of the 20th century on my bookshelf. They all have one thing in common: someone you’ve never even met is in charge. No one knows how to parent your baby, except you. And you will learn how to parent in your own good way, in time. I found a fabulous blog that I am encouraging you all to read: www.secretsofbabybehavior.com. It uses evidence to back up what it says and it encourages parents to use their own common sense. It’s written by the staff at the University California Davis Medical Center and I think you’re gonna love it. Read the back posts — the four part series on sleep is over-the-top fabulous!

Vive la common sense!

The moms I meet who choose to breastfeed, who desire to do so, do not usually face an easy path. They receive a lot of information — much of it overwhelming and confusing, if not downright incorrect. Their family and friends who tried breastfeeding often regale moms-to-be with stories of their own breastfeeding experiences — and not usually the good ones. Or they are told that they themselves were formula-fed and turned out fine, so why bother.

When she gives birth she may face additional challenges right away. Does the staff encourage her to place her baby on her chest — heart to heart — and allow the baby to begin moving to a breast when ready? Is she supported in her efforts to learn who her baby is and watch for signals that the baby sends — those magical signs that say, “Why, yes, thank you! I think I would love to eat right now”.  Or, “I think I’ll just sleep here for awhile, but thanks for offering.” Do the professionals around her show belief that her body can feed this baby that it grew so well? Has she learned the bare essentials she will need to feed her baby on her own at home? And does she have a trusted place to call for help when she needs it (because we almost all do at some point).

Sometimes I feel that those of us who answer the calls for help have made breastfeeding into such a convoluted riddle that a mom could not begin to think about breastfeeding unless she has a PhD in rocket science. Rather than coming up with complicated suggestions and explanations we need to emphasize the basics.  It may make us feel better to spout out more information than necessary, but it does her no good when she’s worried about her baby and her milk. Breastfeeding Made Simple, indeed. And we need to help moms realize that there is no ONE right answer in breastfeeding: each mom/baby pair are unique and our role is to help them sort through their situation and find ideas to try.  There are times when I am humbled by my own pride: have I done my part to increase this mom’s confidence or have I stripped it away? It’s an honest question and I owe it to the families and myself to be honest with the answer, even if I’m not proud of it.

In a few weeks this mom, if she has been able to keep her wits about her and stay committed to nursing her baby, faces returning to work. Is there any support in that place for her to pump? Is there a private space, with a lock on the door for her to do so? Is she having to choose between nurturing her child and her job? And how long can she keep it up.

This is not the first time that we’ve known of the essential health benefits of breastfeeding. But it’s coming smack, dab in the face of reality for many moms. We have got to find a way to help these babies and moms.  And you are part of the plan!

So tell me: if you breastfeed your baby what helped? What didn’t? What could someone have done differently? What do you wish you had known prior to starting?  It’s time for us to hear from you. Tell us your story so that we can all do a better job with you.

Twenty-two years ago on March 20th I did what I thought I absolutely could not do — I gave birth to a baby. That sounds so simple, so trite when I read it on the computer screen. Let me say it again: I did what I thought I absolutely could not do:   I.   GAVE BIRTH.   TO.  A.  BABY!!!!  My baby, my Alyson. I had been so overwhelmed by the thought of birth, certain I could never do it. My doctor and my childbirth educator said I was the most frightened woman they’d ever worked with.  And then my baby decided it was the day, her day, to come and join us. Five weeks early. And even if I wasn’t ready, she was. She would show me how to do it. And she did. And I was so shocked and amazed. I did it — WE did it.

Twenty-two years ago that sweet baby led me down the path to who I really was: a mother, a wife, a nurturer and someone who is passionate about birth and babies and new families. She showed me that I had it within me to push her into this world and then to let her show me how to parent her. I had no idea I knew how to be a parent. I had so little patience and I needed a lot of sleep. But when my baby woke up that first night at home in her bassinett, crying for a breast, I picked her up and tucked her in close and soothed her with the following words, “Shhh. It’s ok. Mama knows. Mama knows.” And it blew me away that those words came out of my mouth because I didn’t feel like I knew anything. But there they were. And she looked at me so trustingly, almost as if she was trying to comfort me. “It’s ok,” she seemed to say with her eyes, “We’ll learn together.” And we did.

Twenty-two years ago my firstborn gave me the gift of motherhood. And I am so blessed — not just because motherhood led me to her and her brother. But because she introduced me to the best part of myself. The really good part that I am priviledged to share with families every day, whether I’m a childbirth educator, a doula or a lacation consultant. It’s all one and the same. She gave me the gift of pure love and in that pure love I found the real me.

Happy 22^nd birthday, Aly. And thank you.

Carol Ford

For those of us at Columbia Center, this person was Carol Ford. Carol was Columbia Center’s Director of Patient Services for the past seven years, and was an OB staff nurse with Columbia Hospital for the 31 years prior to that. Carol saw many changes in childbirth during her career — from not allowing fathers in the delivery room to electronic fetal monitoring to natural childbirth and family-centered care. But one thing remained constant — Carol was a talented and compassionate nurse. She supported countless families through labor and birth, including many of her own coworkers.

Carol Ford (right)

Throughout the years, Carol was a valuable role model, a tireless mentor, a “mother” to many and a good friend.

We wish Carol all the best in her new endeavors and extend our heartfelt gratitude to her for her numerous contributions to our organization and the families we serve.

I wasn’t surprised this week when I saw that the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) will probably be issuing a warning on slings. After all, they are supposed to be the governmental agency that is looking out for the safety of our most precious resources. But since Tuesday, March 2, 2010 their head has been saying how dangerous these products are and that their warning would be coming out last week. I have seen nothing more than a week later from them that is informational, educational or helps parents to know what to do. I was taken aback that they didn’t emphasize that this is an issue of educating the public. To create this level of worry and then not follow through right away is irresponsible.

Parents need to know how to do things safely with their babies. Period. Instead of using this fabulous opportunity to educate the public about proper usage of a product that can make parenting less challenging the CPSC is fear-mongering and implying that these products are essentially accidents waiting to happen. Any product used improperly is likely to cause a problem. How about if we act as if you parents are intelligent and when given good information you can make decisions that are right for you and your babies? I know, it’s a shocking thought but I insist that you can be trusted to care for your babies. Who cares more about the safety of a baby than that child’s parents.

So, what’s a parent to do? Let’s start with the following:

1. Always read instructions provided with any product prior to use. If there is an instructional DVD or online video, watch it.
2. Follow the safety tips at one of my favorite websites, TheBabyWearer.com:  http://www.thebabywearer.com/articles/HowTo/SafeBabywearing.htm In fact, you can print them out and share them with your friends and family.
3. Use common sense when using ANY product with your baby.
4. Any time this kind of “announcement” causes you concern, don’t panic. Take a deep breath and go to your trusted resources to find out what’s really happening. And if you are unhappy that the CPSC is not giving you what you need, write to them (see my blog on the CPSC and cribs).

I hope that as you continue to learn as grow as a parent alongside your baby that you will remember the following: Part of parenting is dealing with this kind of stuff. It’s unsettling, but I know you can handle this and you don’t have to do it alone.

1. Labor and birth are normal. It might not be your own “everyday” normal, but it’s meant to work. And most of the time it does.
2. Distraction can be helpful in labor. Focusing on a movie, a game, going for a walk, etc., gives you a chance to let labor do its work and gives your mind a break.
3. Listen to your body. Your body was so smart that it grew a whole other person. It doesn’t get “dumb” in labor. Your body will guide you to do what is needed to help your baby into the world.
4. It’s really a miracle. It sounds so corny, but it’s true: growing a baby and giving birth IS a miracle. How can you not believe it is when you see your incredible, gorgeous, and yummy baby in your arms?
5. Breastfeeding can have challenges in the beginning. It’s a relationship and it takes time to find the rhythm of give and take in any relationship. Give yourself and your baby time.
6. One minute you feel on top of the world and the next you feel incompetent. Again, this is a new person in your life. Parts of parenting are so precious and others are more frustrating than you ever imagined. In a few days you will be a champion diaper-changer and baby-soother. In the meantime, the more upset the baby gets, the calmer you will want to become. It really does help, I promise.
7. Newborns need to be held. A lot. Seriously——A LOT!!! They were held 24 hours a day prior to birth. They need your warmth, your voice and your heartbeat. You can’t spoil a newborn — they have needs, not wants.
8. Having a new baby means you will sometimes snap at one another. It’s ok. Couples often think that they will NEVER raise their voices or lose their tempers. Babies create amazing highs as well as amazing stress. Recognize that you can love one another and still get grumpy. Nobody’s perfect, even if they want to be. You’ll laugh about it later — honest.
9. Allow friends and family to bring you food. You have a lot to learn in the early days and weeks. The people who care about you want to help and you need to eat. It’s perfect! Let them bring you food. It may be the only way you get a hot meal in the first month.
10. Take a few moments just to enjoy it. The beginning of parenthood has a really fast, steep learning curve. Give yourselves permission do nothing else but sit and stare at this sweet baby. You need to smell that incredible baby aroma every time you snuggle them under your chin. Do what we here at Columbia Center recommend for parents and their babies: Cuddle, Rock, Repeat…

If this rings true for you, imagine the feelings of this British family:
Their 6 month old son began walking — before he could even crawl. I know that words like “prodigy” are being bandied about for this little tot, but my first thought was about what is now gone: putting your baby down and know that he can’t go anywhere. Not watching the progression of rocking on hands and knees to crawling to cruising to finally first steps to truly walking. And how on earth do you reason with a 6 month old? My belief is that walking skills should come to us only after we have some of those in place. This baby has motor skills that are advanced but that doesn’t mean he will be a genius. There are no medals given out for “first to walk” in school — or, I might add, life.

If your baby is not the “prodigy” that is Xavier in Cambridge, do not despair. You have so many moments to treasure coming your way. And once they’ve come, the ones before them are gone. Hug your sweet one and savor the new discoveries. Your baby will have his or her own special moments and you will treasure them always.